Dating Tips Men Autism Spectrum ASD

Have you ever tried to find dating advice for men on the spectrum?  

I did.  What I found was, well….almost nothing.  Nothing of much value anyway.

“Have good oral hygiene.”  That’s was one of the tips.  As if brushing your teeth is somehow going to solve all the woes of an autistic man playing the neurotypical courtship game.

“Ask questions.”  That was another tip.  Well, yeah...but what kind of questions?  How many questions?  Is that all I do is ask questions?  What if she asks questions?

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“Don’t make bodily noises at the table.”  That was my favorite.  And I agree, it’s probably best not to fart while asking someone to pass the mashed potatoes.

Now let’s be fair for a moment.  Take the first and third tips from above.  Are these appropriate social skills?  Sure.  And for men on certain parts of the spectrum, these may be the issues they are dealing with right now.

But if they are the issues, then “dating” really shouldn’t be a focus for those individuals at this time.  There’s a certain foundation of basic social skills that needs to be reached before “dating” is even a realistic possibility.

And therein lies the problem.  All the “dating advice” out there that’s intended for autistic men is only focused on the most basic of social skills.  What about the guys who have the toothbrush and the farts under control?  Where’s the advice that addresses issues like this:

  • I have feelings.  But I don’t know how to express them to the woman across the table.

  • I hear her talking.  I know that neurotypicals often mean something different than what was directly stated.  Is there a logical approach I can apply to these situations to make understanding neurotypicals simpler?

  • I understand that women want me to show empathy.  But I don’t know how? Are there some logical techniques I can use to make her “feel” empathy from me, even if I don’t fully understand why she feels it?

The answer is that there isn’t much advice like this out there.  In fact, there may be none.

And because of that, the needs of a huge population of men, on a different part of the spectrum, have been completely neglected.

Let’s go back to the second tip from above:  “Ask questions?”

Now that is certainly fair dating advice.  However, where’s the detail?  Where’s the elaboration? Where’s the conversation?  Where’s the examples?

Where’s the advice that says:

  • Here’s how to have a conversation.

  • Here’s complete examples, all written out, of how to talk to a woman.

  • Here’s the formula for making basic conversation.

  • Let me show you how it’s done (instead of just telling you to do it).

Telling you to just “ask questions” is like the girlfriend who gets mad at you.  And then when you say you didn’t know what was wrong, she says “well you should have known.”

Neuroatypicals don’t: “should have known.”

That’s the whole point.  

To neuroatypicals, what a woman wants is not obvious.  What a woman means is not self-evident.  How a woman feels is, well…..is like asking the color of a balloon when inside a room with no lights or windows. 

That’s what’s missing.  A logical approach to the illogical world of dating.  

An approach which heavily emphasizes conversation.  Because once the toothbrush and farts are under control, conversation is the hurdle.  

That’s where almost everyone breaks down. 

If you’d like to learn more about our thoughts for implementing this approach to dating for neuroatypicals.  

Please click below. 

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